Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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