so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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