I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
