i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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