dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
