If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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