he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You pole danced in your parka.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
