advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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