at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
