Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
