I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
