hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
