I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
