So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
