i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
