Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
