but the lizard people decide everything anyway
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
