Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
