Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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