the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
