May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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