Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
