I intend to get homeless drunk
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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