You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
