i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize