Can i not drive my cunt home
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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