I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
