HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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