This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
