My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
