I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
