I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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