And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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