I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize