god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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