the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
