Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I touched a dick in church today
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
