I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
