just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Randomize
