found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I intend to get homeless drunk
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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