Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Never joke about your clitoris.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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