dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
