I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
