My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize