First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
