I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Randomize