I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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