You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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