life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
