If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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