3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
