Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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