i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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