Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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