my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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