its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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