Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
