it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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