Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
