I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
