please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
