we have pet lesbian snakes
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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