very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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