evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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