I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
did i just pee glitter
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
