I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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